• mood: embarrassed
• listening: "Shinigami Eyes" by Grimes (stuck in my head)

we didn't end up going to visit my family up north 😭 instead I spent all yesterday watching The Country Baby Dad change both my hubs--one of them for a second time because the first time when The Country Pat did it, it was with a defective part--and finally the traction control on it stopped fucking up, when my mom texted to tell me my stepdad had a chest cold. so it became a matter of choosing between staying with and seeing them and not seeing my bestie and her new baby, or not seeing my parents. it just didn't work out, so we stayed back in Indiana. we're all under winter storm watches now. I think it was probably for the best that we did this.

ten years ago, I impulsively braved this insane shit in like a 2003 Ford Taurus with no traction control. in retrospect, I'm not sure why I did that. I had just got done being a full-time member of this trendy stompclap band after I moved to rural Sullivan County so The Country Baby Dad could attend ISU and the rest of the band moved to Tennessee, but I figured since the distance was only four hours I would make an effort to be a part-time member. that day, we were doing promotional materials, and I guess the blizzard wasn't reason enough to keep me. I and maybe five others hobbled down I-24 going 30mph tops on highways that were not designed for the weather nor had seen that much snow in my entire life (I was nearly 24 at the time). I didn't have a cell phone, either. I don't mean I had a "dumbphone" like I do now; I mean, I had no mobile phone whatsoever. I didn't pack an emergency pack. I just took myself down there and made the best of it. it ended up being an incredibly special weekend. but it was the kind of decision I made at nearly 24. at nearly 34, and particularly with The Country Brat in tow, I don't make those same choices.

so needless to say, I've been kinda bummed today. I don't get to see my bestie or my niece or my parents. I enjoyed visiting with family on The Country Baby Dad's side, but I never feel entirely comfortable in intimate social situations because of how annoying and embarrassing I am. like, I just do annoying, embarrassing shit because I misread social situations and make too many dumb, inappropriate jokes, and then I remember every single one of them and play them in my head on and on. getting diagnosed with autism in 2021 was a game-changer; I relate to every single account by autistic people about how being autistic is like everyone else has a map of what to do/not do with people and you don't. so now I'm just kinda hanging out on my laptop browsing other Neocities sites and busying myself with other random stuff. indie web. scrapbooking. YouTube videos. my Miyoo; Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town. (highly recommend.) lather, rinse, repeat.

one thing that was awesome about today was that we had our old friend Kim to Thanksgiving lunch. that was totally unexpected. we talked about sobriety and how to pass the time. I told her I have 11 years on Saturday and mostly what I have to show for it is a bunch of hobbies and skills because I just have to keep doing shit to keep my mind off drink, and particularly this time of year. last year, I figured out making chainmail. this year, I'm going to try my hand at canning shit. I was so happy and proud to see Kim. I miss my friends so much.

anyways, I don't like to end posts on here with sad stuff, so here is a short list of people and things I am thankful for, in no particular order:

• my child is happy, healthy, and safe. I don't have to worry, generally, that she will be harmed by the world around her.
• I have an outstanding partner who wants the same life as me and we exist in symbiosis with our goals.
• my best friend is such a deeply good, ethereal soul that it genuinely brings me tears to my eyes sometimes to think of our friendship.
• it may have taken a while for their souls to unite, but my parents are true soulmates and a source of wisdom and inspiration daily.
• I am blessed with the mental faculties and material resources to pursue my interests in life.
• I spent my 20s traveling the Midwest and South in a band and now I'm spending my 30s hunkering down on a slow-growing country homestead.
• someday, when I die, I will be able to truthfully say that I lived life on my own terms, and did not change myself to please others.